Over the past year I’ve noticed a real, tangible decrease in my desire to do…anything. I don’t know if this a function of depression, burn out or a need for some kind of change but I can feel it.
I get up each day ready to do whatever. Do some work, then maybe later I’ll work on ControlPlane, write a blog post or tackle some single player game. Then the end of the day arrives and I just don’t care about any of it.
Often times I feel that I’m not the person I was meant to be. That I am better than I allow myself to be. Then I’m struck with guilt. Am I really so arrogant to believe I’m better than others? Am I justified in my desire for more? I let these feelings get the best of me and do nothing instead.
The thing is, I don’t actually know what it is I’m chasing. I don’t know what my end goal is. I was once asked at a conference what my goals are and I didn’t know. “That’s really sad” my partner said. This has haunted me ever since. I don’t purposely avoid setting goals, I just don’t ever stop long enough to really ask myself what do I want? I have goals but they often feel petty and meaningless or when I have my own time when I could work towards a goal, I can’t find the motivation to start something I don’t believe I’ll finish anyway. Live like that long enough and it becomes easier.
Current events don’t make things easier either. It is a struggle that I feel deep into my core being. I can’t comprehend how people don’t understand basic concepts surrounding masks and just compassion for others. I’m at a point where I must stop paying attention for my own sanity but it feels like giving up on what I believe in. Then I think I’ve given up on so many other things what’s one more?
Anyway, tomorrow is another day. Another chance. Maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll eat a donut.